Perception and Judgement

I spent this past weekend away in beautiful Julian and I right now, I'm kinda wishing I was still there. I miss being away, in the mountains, in nature and out of cellphone service range. I miss the simplicity of being out of the city and out of the busyness of life we sometimes get way too caught up in. 

Don't get me wrong, I do appreciate city life and I absolutely love living in San Diego. I also appreciate a nice restaurant, good food, symphony concerts, fast cars, Kate Spade, high heels and a chance to dress up every once in a while. 

But what I always love more than the bright lights and shiny objects that attract many are the simpler and often forgotten things people used to once enjoy a whole lot more and a whole lot more often. It is the chance to be outside, to sit on a porch in a rocking chair and watch the stars for hours. It is the chance to befriend stray animal and plant gardens and collect fresh eggs in the morning. It's horseback riding in the mountains away from everything and digging for worms with my grandpa for our next fishing trip. It's finding solace in nature and hiking for hours, appreciating the beauty of the world we live in. It's building campfires and roasting s'mores. It's the little things that cost nothing but their value is priceless. 

Growing up in the South, I spent all my time outdoors. The millions of mosquitoes, ever present risk of contracting West Nile and annihilating humidity could not keep me from the outdoors. My family didn't have cable and grass grew faster than our Internet connection but it didn't matter. I had outdoor cleaning businesses and dog walking services. I made compost piles and buried countless animals in my backyard.I grew fruits and vegetables with my grandparents and I ruined all my nice church dresses after Sunday Service but I would get lost in the woods and catch every speck of dust, dry leaves and sticks I could find. I was one happy child. Being in Julian was a reminder of childhood and the part of me I sometimes forget about and a part not many people know. 

Reflecting on these opposites in myself got me thinking about perception, judgment and how one of the most beautiful characteristics you can find in a friendship or relationship is a person who comes to understand the many facets of our personality.

People all too often take each other too quickly at surface value. Obviously if you wear a suit or high heals, you must be high maintenance. Obviously if you get a manicure, you aren't willing to camp that weekend. Obviously if you are a star sports player, you must be full of it and a jerk. Oh and obviously if you wear glasses, you must be really smart.. or a wannabe hipster. 

There can be some truth to these statements, but there is many times a whole story behind appearances and first impressions and we often fail to get to know people as a whole after learning just a part of who they are.

Something I value beyond measure and something that makes me commit wholeheartedly to a friendship or relationship is when the other person has been able to look beyond first impressions and physical appearances and really get to know you and what you are about. These are the rare people who don't put you in a box and don't make rash judgments. But these people are also very few.

Perception is the process of assessing information in your surroundings. It is how we process that which is around us and come to form opinions and judgments. According to psychologists, perception is strongly influenced by communication. The better we communicate, the better our perception and interpretation of a person or given situation is. When we fail to communicate, we very much start to overgeneralize, stereotype and overall lack enough depth to fully grasp and understand a person or given situation. This is very much where things fall apart.

Perception is powerful. But it can also be one's greatest downfall.

Perception is a projection we make. It allows us to have an idea of how things may work out or play out. 

If we perceive correctly, we understand things more clearly and can help our self and help others. We can be prepared for things which may come and may even be one step ahead. Yet, incorrect interpretation of a situation, or worse yet, a person, hurts not only you, but anyone else involved and may very well backtrack you. Misinterpretation leads to rash decisions and biased judgment. We press our own judgment and experiences unto another person who may very well not be thinking what we are thinking or not at all the person we are making them out to be. This is probably the cause for 99% of the world's problems. We think we know things when we actually don't and this false sense of thinking leads to a whole lot of chaos, confusion and clashing. 

Thinking back to the people I have met, the nearest and dearest ones and the ones who continue to stay in my life are the rare individuals who truly take the time to learn, to listen and to understand. Only through open communication and the willingness to truly gather all the information can we perceive situations and people correctly. Communication is hard, usually awkward at the beginning and takes a whole lot of work. 

True communication means being honest with yourself and sharing that inner honesty with another person. It's not about saying the correct words, or the words that sound right, it’s frankly saying all the words, especially the hardest ones.. the ones you can barely say to yourself.

True communication also means listening. Listening fully and listening to the very end.

And true communication also means asking. Asking the hard questions.

All too often we see smart and wonderful people we know make rash decisions. The moment they aren't 100% sure, they are 100% out. They fall prey to doubt, fear and the failure to truly gather the information needed. This is why relationships end, friendships fall apart and opportunities are missed.I know I have been guilty of things. I've made made decisions and judgement calls all too quickly. Sometimes I have been right, but most of the time, you later see how much more there was to learn or how much more there was to the story. Things are rarely what they seem. Yet we all seem to take things far too quickly at face value. 

On the other end, sometimes not all has been lost and whats been broken can be fixed. But having the humility and grace to fix what was broken or hurt or find what was lost is also a rare quality to find and yet another trait I so preciously value in others and hope that I give back to others as well.

When I wrote about the juxtapositions in myself, I will acknowledge that as strong as I consider myself to be; something that always breaks my heart is incorrect perception and judgment of who I am. It hurts to come to the realization that not everyone will take the time to understand the many layers of who I am. I will admit, it gets me 99% of the time but this is what also makes me very much value even more those who do.

It's not always mind over matter. Our mind can be as misleading as it is useful. We can perceive a reality that very much isn't the case. Perception isn't reality, its more of an educated guess that we make. Except many times, we haven't educated ourselves enough. 

So this is a courtesy reminder for us all, that before judging a book by its covers, we should read it. And read it all the way through.