Quote of the Day 09/18/14

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”  [C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves]

Quote of the Day 9/17/14

"To become fully human means learning to turn my gratitude for being alive into some concrete common good. It means growing gentler toward human weakness. It means practicing forgiveness of my and everyone else's hourly failures to live up to divine standards. It means learning to forget myself on a regular basis in order to attend to the other selves in my vicinity. It means living so that "I'm only human" does not become an excuse for anything. It means receiving the human condition as blessing and not curse, in all its achingly frail and redemptive reality.”   [Brené Brown]

Fear

Let me tell you something about fear.

Everyone carries some form of it.

Fear of failure.

Fear of pain.

Fear of rejection.

Fear manifests itself in many different forms. And fear manifests itself in each one of us.

Fear is hard to define. What exactly is it? It's an emotion right? But why do we feel it? Why does it happen? Is it something internally that we feed until it grows into something more than nervous butterflies and sweaty palms? Is it a product of our imagination? Does it actually need to exist? Or is it a problem we create for ourselves that transitions into a reality we start to accept?

I don't actually have the answers to all those answers. But maybe acknowledging personal fears is a start to figuring how to live without them.

I have a journal that I write in every Sunday. I write bits and pieces of what is on my heart and my mind. I had gotten off track and felt compelled to write the other day. In writing, I admitted honestly that I have a fear. I have a fear of being hurt. 

Quote of the Day 9/16/14

“To love someone fiercely, to believe in something with your whole heart, to celebrate a fleeting moment in time, to fully engage in a life that doesn’t come with guarantees – these are risks that involve vulnerability and often pain. But, I’m learning that recognizing and leaning into the discomfort of vulnerability teaches us how to live with joy, gratitude and grace.”     [Brené Brown]

Quote of the Day 09/07/14

"It’s quite an undertaking to start loving somebody. You have to have energy, generosity, blindness. There is even a moment right at the start where you have to jump across an abyss: if you think about it you don’t do it."    [Jean-Paul Sartre]

The KGB's Most Wanted: My Hero

This is the KGB's Most Wanted Man and also, my hero.

There are many truths and values I hold near and dear, and they are ones I believe that I will never forget, never compromise and never be afraid to wear on my sleeve or boldly proclaim. A phrase we often hear from a young age is “Always stand up for what you believe in” or “Never compromise” or something along those lines. Those are great phrases, ones that have been told to me and ones I have told others. It’s great advice but sometimes, it sure is easier said than done. Sometimes our beliefs and values are challenged or put to the test. Sometimes these battles are easy and sometimes these battles have us a loss for our voice. We know what to say but at the given moment, we retreat, either out of fear or discomfort, or even embarrassment. I’ve been there, I am a flawed person and sometimes I fail myself. I fail my own convictions and I fail to do the right thing.

We far too often forget to remember, that at least if you’re living in America, you have the freedom is say what you want to say and believe what you want to believe. People may disagree and go as far as to argue and come up with a vast array of names for you, but despite some verbal adversary you may face, we’ve got it pretty good here…. And yet we still can’t always manage to stand for what we believe in.

But what if it wasn’t just some name calling or brief debating on the line? What if your everything was on the line? What if your education and employment opportunities, family, financial security, home and literal life were on the line? As much as I try to process that, I don’t think I will ever fully grasp the extent of what that feels like, and I all too often forget that there are those who still very much face that reality today. People are still dying, simply for the beliefs and values they hold true.

In 2009, while participating in a pageant, I was asked the quintessential pageant question of “Who is your hero and why?” My immediate response was my grandfather. And if asked that question today, I would without a doubt give the same answer today.

My grandfather, Joseph Bondarenko, will always be my greatest hero. I am fortunate beyond words that my grandpa is still alive and well today. He has this zeal and zest for life that I can only hope to one day possess. He dreams big and passionately, he lives each day full of drive and fire and joy that cannot be dimmed. You would never suspect that for many years, he was one of the most wanted men by the Soviet Union’s military police – the KGB.

My grandfather, asa young man, was involved with the Christian church and church ministry in the former Soviet Union. The label of “Christian” in the iron grip of the Soviet society put the ultimate target on your back, and since he was a pastor, that really put the gun to his head.

My grandfather endured almost 10 years of imprisonment, torture and numerous near death experiences all because he chose to stand for the beliefs and truths he held. He rejected the way of the hammer and the sickle, becoming an enemy to the communist driven state, risking literally everything to truly stand for what he believed in. A good part of his life was spent running from police, having his house searched, being denied school and employment opportunities, and enduring starvation and torture. The stories he has told are almost unreal, but yet they are very real. Most amazing of all, is despite the life he lived, he possess more joy and passion and love for life and others than anyone else I have ever met. His smile is infectious and when he laughs, there is an ever present sparkle in his eyes. He has compassion beyond measure and forgiveness that flows freely.  He has even in the past few years, reunited with the officials who formerly imprisoned and beat him, extending forgiveness and love to them.