Every time I wrote I can't believe how much time has passed since I last blogged and I always get upset with myself. I love to write; I love to receive y'all's messages and emails and I even love the hate mail. I heard once that if you are offending someone, you must be doing something right, so I hope that perhaps I am doing something right..
Year 3 finished the first week of May and I enjoyed a few days at my parent's home before heading out into the big ole 8-5, Monday to Friday, business attire clad world. My 6:45 alarm calls are a consistent reminder (or annoyance) that this is the real world. I've had jobs consistently since I was 15, but something about working a solid 8-5 block has really put things in perspective.
That being said before I dive in what's really been on my heart and mind, Id like to say that despite everything, I am beyond blessed and incredibly lucky to live the life I live. San Diego is beautiful, my home is welcoming and inviting and every day I am learning new things about my city, my friends, myself and life as a whole. I can't forget to mention that for a foodie as myself, San Diego is a food Mecca. It has every type of food and cuisine you could think of, whether you spend 5 dollars or 155 dollars, there is something delicious to be tried. I am working on a huge blog post of everything I have the chance to eat and the things my stomach is jumping for joy to try! Check back soon for that. Warming: don't read on en empty stomach or you might find yourself in your car en route to San Diego :)
Now that I've got that off my mind (or my plate), I can share a little bit of what I've been thinking, learning and maybe even messing up. Come summer vacation, I felt great, I looked great and I believed that anything was unachievable. I was high on life, and it was such an indescribable feeling. Yet, happiness came to a halt a little over two weeks ago. My health is as stable as the stock market which meant that as things seemed to get better, things evidently crashed. It felt like all the progress and effort put in was worthless. It's as if I was stuck on a stationary bike. All that energy put in and no matter how hard how hard you push, you are exactly where you started. Naturally, the first reaction was "Seriously? Again? Can you just cut me some slack God?" My cloud 9 had withered away and I was back on the ground.
Ironically, as physically and emotionally hard the past days have been, I feel like I have been awakened. While my body seems to still be confused that its only 22 years young and not 92 years old, I feel like my mind and eyes have never been clearer.
Living with multiple autoimmune illnesses is like driving through a tunnel, you don't know what happens next. You don't know if you will wake up happy or sad or tired or energetic or perfectly fine or on the verge of collapse. All this means is that you get only two options in life: give in or get it together. Now I don't mean go out, get a YOLO tramp stamp, pretend you have no cares and tell yourself Cali burritos are fat free. What I mean by getting together is getting up and figuring out what is in your control, what isn't and what you can do about the things which are.
I've been in the process of re-evaluation and re-prioritization; what matters and more importantly who matters. When classes were over and 40 hour work weeks hadn't kicked in, there was time to organize, to plan, to get together and to be spontaneous. Come 5 weeks and 200 office hours later, a warm meal and a warm bed were the only thing on my mind, top that off with pains, aches and migraines and time vanishes before you can even figure out what day of the week it is.
I have always loved being the person organizing and planning social events. I love meeting new people and experiencing new things. However, with the recent hand I've been dealt with, I found myself forced to take a few steps back. What became instantly clear was the role of the people I knew in my life. You quickly see where the heart of the friendship lies. Granted, nobody always wants to be the one person who always has to plan and be in charge. Sometimes all we want is the friend next to us to figure it out. I acknowledge and accept wholeheartedly that as life happens for me, life happens to other people. Schedules conflict and plans fall through, that's only bound to happen. I am awful with answering calls and texts and messages and I think that my phone has almost received full capacity of unlistened voicemail, so I am not one to become accept by unresponded messages or calls. I get it, I do the same thing, but there also cones a point and limit to how many times phone calls and messages aren't answered. I have tolerance for a few weeks because I know myself, but even in those times of silence, I think it is important find out the intent. Is something really crazy busy going on or are you just not as high on the priority list as you originally thought you were.
That's the hard thing to swallow about friendship. The awful truth that your understanding of a so called friendship may have been off-base. I am in strong opposition of what I have coined as "Disneyland friendships." These are the "friends" who want to always do something and have one activity after the next. . While it is better to have people who would rather do something then nothing at all, these are the worst types of friendships and arguably the most hurtful ad heart breaking. When there is action ad excitement everything is great and fun and you can laugh forever and have so many inside jokes and tagged Facebook pictures. But when the dust settles and things aren't so exciting and fit neatly into a schedule, there's only crickets left. The friendship was fueled by an activity rather then a connection. A friend is the person that you could be locked eternally in a white box and know everything will be just fine. It is the person you can be utterly and totally honest with. Your fondest memories are simple, mundane tasks like grocery shopping and gas runs turn into the best of memories. These friendships are built on true hearts to hearts and not hazy drunken nights. It is a person(s) you want to be with rather then feel obliged to. It is the "I'm coming over" text over the "well, um, text me sometime." When you truly treasure someone as a close friend, the reality is that you want them there with you. You want them to meet other friends, you merge friend groups because you want all the people you love also getting to know each other.Granted every friendship takes time and growth and even conflict to solidify substance. But there also comes a time where if you can't just pick up where you left off and have to start over each time, then maybe you've just realized you have a Disneyland friendship situation on your hands.
My mama always taught me to love everyone, but trust few and I continue to remind myself to live by these words. It's not because I'm pessimistic but it's because I realize that people are not infallible. I very much crash and fail and all and every single person does the exact same. We all say things we shouldn't, hang with those we shouldn't, and throw a temper tantrum here and there. What matters in these moments of misjudgment is the input of those around us. Will they call us out? Hold us accountable? Encourage our misbehavior? Place judgement? Disappear? Invite us along? Or pencil us in only when everyone else has bailed?
As I grow older and make new friendships and foster new relationships, my inner inner circle very much stays the same. It consists always of my parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles (that's about 15 people) and over the past 22 years, a handful of others have joined my journey through life.While the number outside of family stays minimal, I am incredibly blessed by these precious individuals. My first true addition came in 2008, my best friend Shannon; in 2010, my first roommate turned best friend Courtney entered. Since then a few others have patiently come into my life. They are people who are so individually unique and they challenge me to be a better person.
They say that you will spend the rest of your life weeding through people.You can't entirely shut yourself out because at the end of the day we were built desiring relationship with others. There are people who you will be closer and farther with, people move on and people forget. Don't be discouraged by this. It only makes the real friendships even more fulfilling.
On a personal level, I feel like God is bringing me so many people and opportunities. Some as blessings, some as headaches and some as tests. Tests to teach me grace and humility and tests which simply test me: will I give in, again? Some of the nicest, most entertaining and fun people to be around are also the worst of decisions waiting to happen. As people come through my life, I am praying for wisdom more then ever on where to fight, where to let go and where to run the other direction. No longer under my parent's roof or with them holding my hand, I am a twenty something woman on the road of life. I am praying more then ever on making the most I every day, every person and every experience. I want to make the most every moment but I can't be foolish to pretend that decisions don't have consequences. I know things don't revolve around me and my problems and my schedule, but that doesn't mean I have to hold on to everyone and everything. I don't owe everyone something but I also want to know people and continue to meet people and see who else is willing to be a friend, not a Disneyland friend, not a temporary, occasional friend, but real, solid, built to last relationships.
Moving forward, I feel like I am on the verge of significant, life changing events. I have no idea what they are, but I sometimes you just a good feeling. I know that there will be good and bad but with guidance and wisdom from above, I am rest confidently knowing it will all work out just fine. There are a few things I am crossing my fingers for, one in particular starts with "r" and ends in "ship" but only time will tell.
As my phone dings to show me my daily quote of the day and a reminder my lunch break is coming to an end, I cannot help but smile and find this the perfect ending to this ridiculously long post: "Truth will rise above falsehood as oil above water," thanks for that, Mr. De Cervantes.
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