getting it together

Every time I wrote I can't believe how much time has passed since I last blogged and I always get upset with myself. I love to write; I love to receive y'all's messages and emails and I even love the hate mail. I heard once that if you are offending someone, you must be doing something right, so I hope that perhaps I am doing something right..

Year 3 finished the first week of May and I enjoyed a few days at my parent's home before heading out into the big ole 8-5, Monday to Friday, business attire clad world. My 6:45 alarm calls are a consistent reminder  (or annoyance) that this is the real world. I've had jobs consistently since I was 15, but something about working a solid 8-5 block has really put things in perspective.

That being said before I dive in what's really been on my heart and mind, Id like to say that despite everything, I am beyond blessed and incredibly lucky to live the life I live. San Diego is beautiful, my home is welcoming and inviting and every day I am learning new things about my city, my friends, myself and life as a whole. I can't forget to mention that for a foodie as myself, San Diego is a food Mecca. It has every type of food and cuisine you could think of, whether you spend 5 dollars or 155 dollars, there is something delicious to be tried. I am working on a huge blog post of everything I have the chance to eat and the things my stomach is jumping for joy to try! Check back soon for that. Warming: don't read on en empty stomach or you might find yourself in your car en route to San Diego :)

Now that I've got that off my mind (or my plate), I can share a little bit of what I've been thinking, learning and maybe even messing up. Come summer vacation, I felt great, I looked great and I believed that anything was unachievable. I was high on life, and it was such an indescribable feeling. Yet, happiness came to a halt a little over two weeks ago. My health is as stable as the stock market which meant that as things seemed to get better, things evidently  crashed. It felt like all the progress and effort put in was worthless. It's as if I was stuck on a stationary bike. All that energy  put in and no matter how hard how hard you push, you are exactly where you started. Naturally, the first reaction was "Seriously? Again? Can you just cut me some slack God?" My cloud 9 had withered away and I was back on the ground.

Ironically, as physically and emotionally hard the past days have been, I feel like I have been awakened. While my body seems to still be confused that its only 22 years young and not 92 years old, I feel like my mind and eyes have never been clearer.

reflecting on Summer '11

     It's hard to believe that summer is just about over. I feel like it was just yesterday that I was packing up my room at Loma, wondering exactly what summer '11 was going to bring. Three months came and went. What started as one of the hardest summers turned into one pretty incredible summer. It wasn't that I really went anywhere, I found what I needed and so much more right at my doorstep.
     My summer revolved around home #2 (Nordstrom) and home #3 (Spectrum Athletic Club) but somewhere in between things just clicked. First off I got to work with some pretty amazing girls, some I knew and some I didn't coming back, but I am so happy I got to know these people. They are some pretty special people with the best of advice, knowledge and stories. It was more then work, it was a bond. As a girl, you find it hard to talk to other girls because of a lack of trust, but somehow it almost felt like a little family. It made the "slow" days fly by and if frustrated/confused/contemplative/etc/etc there was always someone willing to listen and willing to understand. Thank you to these very special women who each have an overabundance of potential. (and ps. shout out to spectrum, I logged over 160 hours at the gym this summer, a personal best.)
     Little things here and there have added up to some major realizations and life lessons. One of things I really learned is just how honest the quote "its always easier said than done." No matter how much we say we are going to do something, its many times a whole lot harder. Especially the idea that the most important words are the hardest to say. Sometimes these words are needed so much, and they can be right there, on the tip of your tongue and not come out. 
     I have found connections with people that I never thought I would. New people, old acquaintances, faded friendships came my way and some pretty amazing relationships formed. The hard part of ending summer is the question of where these connections will go. Will they continue or will they fade? Where do we place each other in our lives? Do you ask that? or do you keep living, knowing whats meant to be finds a way? We all have these questions, but seriously, try being a girl, these types of questions are engraved in our minds and there's no way to get around them. 
     I have learned the importance of letting people in. I am still learning to accept that not everyone will care about you as much as you care about them, but nevertheless to keep caring. I have learned that when I love, I love big and am also learning the flip side. You can love someone to the point where you would do anything for them, but the receiver may not return the favor. Yes, it hurts unbelievably when you care about someone beyond words yet aren't certain the feeling is mutual.
     Throughout everything, I cannot help but see the importance of living each day, one day at a time. Yes, the past should ever be forgotten, it breaks you and makes you and matures you and yes the future should be prepared for, but being anxious changes nothing.
     I have less then 48 hours before I leave Santa Barbara. I will miss the routine, the places, and most certainly the people. I don't want to let go but have to accept some people will let me go. That is just life, change is inevitable. But one of my closet friends has repeated the same line over and over to me again all summer. Here's his words of wisdom: "No matter what, in the end, things always fall into place." As summer finishes and I transition to a new season, I am so excited and scared at the same time. I cannot wait to meet new people and share new experiences, but I am also scared for those I am leaving behind, but at the end of the day, it is what it is, there's always a reason for why people from your past don't make it into your future. The ones that matter do and the ones that don't... don't make the transition into fall.
    
    
             Thank you to everyone who contributed to my summer. I love you all and value your wisdoms and words. 

Confessions from the Heart

     Summer has always been my favorite time of the year. I always look forward to the warm weather, summer parties, family time, tanning, traveling and just taking a time out from school. This summer has been unlike any other summer. I am not good at revealing my feelings but this summer, in simple words, has been the hardest time I have ever experienced in my life. At the ripe age of 20, I have experienced enough to know the realities of life. I was always healthy, until random illnesses began to occur. Every single time the doctors would come back with a puzzled look and the words "this is something I have never seen," "you are a rare case," or "how are you still alive and functioning?" We all want to be thought of as "rare" but not in the medical world. However, rare or not rare, it all helped me develop a high pain tolerance. Unless my foot has been sliced off, or I'm missing a few fingers, I won't take a trip to the hospital. 
     Unfortunately, I think my body took a complete collapse when I returned home from school in May. I have not felt like myself at all and some days it has felt like life is simply passing me by. I want to be traveling, seeing people and enjoying what life has to offer, but that has not been possible. People ask me "well if you don't feel good then why are you going to work?" In a funny way, work has been a blessing to me. It feels so rewarding to know that if I can't help myself, I can at least be helping someone else feel better. I have met some great people, who have been so appreciative and thankful. 

     There have been so many days where I have simply shut off and shut people out because I am hurting. No matter what I do, nothing helps. Its a conflicting issue when I think about the fact that God loves us and wants the best for us. Yet here I am, exhausted, beyond frustrated and on the verge of giving up. 

     But 2nd Corinthians 12:10 says the following: "That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." A few weeks ago, my pastor talked about how during his whole ministry he had never met someone who had weakened spirtually during hard times. When things are going good, we tend to forget that God is still present and still there for us. A few temporary successes boast our ego and we become convinced that we can do everything on our own. I know I have been guilty of this many times. In the book "The Purpose Driven Life," Rick Warren talks about how God gives us trials because he loves us and wants us to grow and mature. Logically, this makes complete sense. At school and work we are given harder tasks and assignments because this is how we grow and expand our skills. Parents give their kids chores and family duties because it develops discipline, maturity and a good work ethic. Those who never have to do anything or deal with anything never fully develop as individuals. 

     Mother Teresa once said that " I know that God never gives us more then we can handle, I just wish he didn't trust me so much." Based on her statement, I guess I should be flattered that God see's a strength in me and considers me a strong person. Although I have been so up and down, I have began to see that this tough period of time is a critical learning period for me. I do not know why and perhaps never will, but I do know that everything happens for a reason. I will get better eventually, maybe sooner, maybe later or even if I don't, I am learning to accept God's will. It is always easy to accept it when it lines up with our own plans. But when it contradicts, we come to a screeching halt. Confusion, frustration and irritation set it, but we have only two options. Fight it or accept it. I believe this is the true test of faith: to accept, even blindly, God's master plan and know that better things are yet to come. Rick Warren also says the following: "Regardless of circumstances and how you feel, hang on to God's unchanging character. Remind yourself what you know to be eternally true about God: He is good, he loves me, he is with me, he knows what I'm going through, he cares, and he has a good plan for my life. V. Raymond Edman said: 'Never doubt in the dark what God told you in the light.'"

     I still have 6 weeks of summer. I have absolutely no idea how they will turn out. Will things get better? Worse? Stay the same? Of course I want them to get better. I want to be doing all the things I had hoped to do and seeing all the people I had hoped to see. Either way, I am learning to take things one day at time. I have made some good decisions and also bad decisions in times of hurt. I have looked in the wrong places for comfort and attention but later seen how the things you need can be right in front of you. Despite everything, I am going to rejoice and give thanks in all circumstances, because when I am weak... I am strong.