getting it together

Every time I wrote I can't believe how much time has passed since I last blogged and I always get upset with myself. I love to write; I love to receive y'all's messages and emails and I even love the hate mail. I heard once that if you are offending someone, you must be doing something right, so I hope that perhaps I am doing something right..

Year 3 finished the first week of May and I enjoyed a few days at my parent's home before heading out into the big ole 8-5, Monday to Friday, business attire clad world. My 6:45 alarm calls are a consistent reminder  (or annoyance) that this is the real world. I've had jobs consistently since I was 15, but something about working a solid 8-5 block has really put things in perspective.

That being said before I dive in what's really been on my heart and mind, Id like to say that despite everything, I am beyond blessed and incredibly lucky to live the life I live. San Diego is beautiful, my home is welcoming and inviting and every day I am learning new things about my city, my friends, myself and life as a whole. I can't forget to mention that for a foodie as myself, San Diego is a food Mecca. It has every type of food and cuisine you could think of, whether you spend 5 dollars or 155 dollars, there is something delicious to be tried. I am working on a huge blog post of everything I have the chance to eat and the things my stomach is jumping for joy to try! Check back soon for that. Warming: don't read on en empty stomach or you might find yourself in your car en route to San Diego :)

Now that I've got that off my mind (or my plate), I can share a little bit of what I've been thinking, learning and maybe even messing up. Come summer vacation, I felt great, I looked great and I believed that anything was unachievable. I was high on life, and it was such an indescribable feeling. Yet, happiness came to a halt a little over two weeks ago. My health is as stable as the stock market which meant that as things seemed to get better, things evidently  crashed. It felt like all the progress and effort put in was worthless. It's as if I was stuck on a stationary bike. All that energy  put in and no matter how hard how hard you push, you are exactly where you started. Naturally, the first reaction was "Seriously? Again? Can you just cut me some slack God?" My cloud 9 had withered away and I was back on the ground.

Ironically, as physically and emotionally hard the past days have been, I feel like I have been awakened. While my body seems to still be confused that its only 22 years young and not 92 years old, I feel like my mind and eyes have never been clearer.

Rat Race

     As I sit on my plushy queen size bed, stretch my legs and begin the oh so glamourous process of overnight teeth bleaching , I cannot help but reflect back on the conversations that took place 24 hours ago. My friend Christy had made a surprise appearance in Santa Barbara and it was only fitting and proper (for us former Southern Belles) to get together over tea and biscuits (okay... Coffee Bean and loud bar noises of downtown) and catch up on life. Christy and I were once just debate team acquaintances but after roughing the life of Knoxville, Tennessee, super sized Walmart, and fried chicken... well simply put, we were pretty much friends for life. 

     Our 5 hour long conversation started with the usual- the "how are you doing?", "aren't you glad its summer?,"how is he doing?" and "I can't believe he said that!", but 24 hours later, I kept reflecting on one simple phrase. So simple, but so, completely and utterly honest: "it's like a rat race."

     After getting through the surface issues of life: not enough sleep, not enough money and not enough sane men, we got to the nitty gritty. What is life and when does it actually start? Christy's words could not have hit the nail on the head more perfectly, for me, for her and probably most of the rest of the world. By dictionary terms, a rat race is a term used for an endless, self-defeating or pointless pursuit and in visual terms, its like a rat in a lab cage, who tries to escape by furiously running around in its wheel, but realistically for little purpose. 

     I know especially, that being a student, and a part of the rising work force, you really do get thrown into a rat race. In school you are pressured by yourself, or someone close to yourself ,to do more, to do better, to get internships which will get you better connections and jobs in the future. You have to take 19+ units and do 5 extracurriculars and be the homecoming queen and be ASB president and the fasted runner on the track team and volunteer for the animal shelter and raise 25,000 dollars a month for cancer research and score in the top percentile on the MKATs or LSATS and triple major and get at least a 3.8 gpa all while somehow maintaing your health, sanity, credit card bills and personal relationships. Somehow even writing that all out made me exhausted, let know trying to figure out how to fit that all into a 24 hour day. 

Confessions from the Heart

     Summer has always been my favorite time of the year. I always look forward to the warm weather, summer parties, family time, tanning, traveling and just taking a time out from school. This summer has been unlike any other summer. I am not good at revealing my feelings but this summer, in simple words, has been the hardest time I have ever experienced in my life. At the ripe age of 20, I have experienced enough to know the realities of life. I was always healthy, until random illnesses began to occur. Every single time the doctors would come back with a puzzled look and the words "this is something I have never seen," "you are a rare case," or "how are you still alive and functioning?" We all want to be thought of as "rare" but not in the medical world. However, rare or not rare, it all helped me develop a high pain tolerance. Unless my foot has been sliced off, or I'm missing a few fingers, I won't take a trip to the hospital. 
     Unfortunately, I think my body took a complete collapse when I returned home from school in May. I have not felt like myself at all and some days it has felt like life is simply passing me by. I want to be traveling, seeing people and enjoying what life has to offer, but that has not been possible. People ask me "well if you don't feel good then why are you going to work?" In a funny way, work has been a blessing to me. It feels so rewarding to know that if I can't help myself, I can at least be helping someone else feel better. I have met some great people, who have been so appreciative and thankful. 

     There have been so many days where I have simply shut off and shut people out because I am hurting. No matter what I do, nothing helps. Its a conflicting issue when I think about the fact that God loves us and wants the best for us. Yet here I am, exhausted, beyond frustrated and on the verge of giving up. 

     But 2nd Corinthians 12:10 says the following: "That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." A few weeks ago, my pastor talked about how during his whole ministry he had never met someone who had weakened spirtually during hard times. When things are going good, we tend to forget that God is still present and still there for us. A few temporary successes boast our ego and we become convinced that we can do everything on our own. I know I have been guilty of this many times. In the book "The Purpose Driven Life," Rick Warren talks about how God gives us trials because he loves us and wants us to grow and mature. Logically, this makes complete sense. At school and work we are given harder tasks and assignments because this is how we grow and expand our skills. Parents give their kids chores and family duties because it develops discipline, maturity and a good work ethic. Those who never have to do anything or deal with anything never fully develop as individuals. 

     Mother Teresa once said that " I know that God never gives us more then we can handle, I just wish he didn't trust me so much." Based on her statement, I guess I should be flattered that God see's a strength in me and considers me a strong person. Although I have been so up and down, I have began to see that this tough period of time is a critical learning period for me. I do not know why and perhaps never will, but I do know that everything happens for a reason. I will get better eventually, maybe sooner, maybe later or even if I don't, I am learning to accept God's will. It is always easy to accept it when it lines up with our own plans. But when it contradicts, we come to a screeching halt. Confusion, frustration and irritation set it, but we have only two options. Fight it or accept it. I believe this is the true test of faith: to accept, even blindly, God's master plan and know that better things are yet to come. Rick Warren also says the following: "Regardless of circumstances and how you feel, hang on to God's unchanging character. Remind yourself what you know to be eternally true about God: He is good, he loves me, he is with me, he knows what I'm going through, he cares, and he has a good plan for my life. V. Raymond Edman said: 'Never doubt in the dark what God told you in the light.'"

     I still have 6 weeks of summer. I have absolutely no idea how they will turn out. Will things get better? Worse? Stay the same? Of course I want them to get better. I want to be doing all the things I had hoped to do and seeing all the people I had hoped to see. Either way, I am learning to take things one day at time. I have made some good decisions and also bad decisions in times of hurt. I have looked in the wrong places for comfort and attention but later seen how the things you need can be right in front of you. Despite everything, I am going to rejoice and give thanks in all circumstances, because when I am weak... I am strong.