Confessions from the Heart

     Summer has always been my favorite time of the year. I always look forward to the warm weather, summer parties, family time, tanning, traveling and just taking a time out from school. This summer has been unlike any other summer. I am not good at revealing my feelings but this summer, in simple words, has been the hardest time I have ever experienced in my life. At the ripe age of 20, I have experienced enough to know the realities of life. I was always healthy, until random illnesses began to occur. Every single time the doctors would come back with a puzzled look and the words "this is something I have never seen," "you are a rare case," or "how are you still alive and functioning?" We all want to be thought of as "rare" but not in the medical world. However, rare or not rare, it all helped me develop a high pain tolerance. Unless my foot has been sliced off, or I'm missing a few fingers, I won't take a trip to the hospital. 
     Unfortunately, I think my body took a complete collapse when I returned home from school in May. I have not felt like myself at all and some days it has felt like life is simply passing me by. I want to be traveling, seeing people and enjoying what life has to offer, but that has not been possible. People ask me "well if you don't feel good then why are you going to work?" In a funny way, work has been a blessing to me. It feels so rewarding to know that if I can't help myself, I can at least be helping someone else feel better. I have met some great people, who have been so appreciative and thankful. 

     There have been so many days where I have simply shut off and shut people out because I am hurting. No matter what I do, nothing helps. Its a conflicting issue when I think about the fact that God loves us and wants the best for us. Yet here I am, exhausted, beyond frustrated and on the verge of giving up. 

     But 2nd Corinthians 12:10 says the following: "That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." A few weeks ago, my pastor talked about how during his whole ministry he had never met someone who had weakened spirtually during hard times. When things are going good, we tend to forget that God is still present and still there for us. A few temporary successes boast our ego and we become convinced that we can do everything on our own. I know I have been guilty of this many times. In the book "The Purpose Driven Life," Rick Warren talks about how God gives us trials because he loves us and wants us to grow and mature. Logically, this makes complete sense. At school and work we are given harder tasks and assignments because this is how we grow and expand our skills. Parents give their kids chores and family duties because it develops discipline, maturity and a good work ethic. Those who never have to do anything or deal with anything never fully develop as individuals. 

     Mother Teresa once said that " I know that God never gives us more then we can handle, I just wish he didn't trust me so much." Based on her statement, I guess I should be flattered that God see's a strength in me and considers me a strong person. Although I have been so up and down, I have began to see that this tough period of time is a critical learning period for me. I do not know why and perhaps never will, but I do know that everything happens for a reason. I will get better eventually, maybe sooner, maybe later or even if I don't, I am learning to accept God's will. It is always easy to accept it when it lines up with our own plans. But when it contradicts, we come to a screeching halt. Confusion, frustration and irritation set it, but we have only two options. Fight it or accept it. I believe this is the true test of faith: to accept, even blindly, God's master plan and know that better things are yet to come. Rick Warren also says the following: "Regardless of circumstances and how you feel, hang on to God's unchanging character. Remind yourself what you know to be eternally true about God: He is good, he loves me, he is with me, he knows what I'm going through, he cares, and he has a good plan for my life. V. Raymond Edman said: 'Never doubt in the dark what God told you in the light.'"

     I still have 6 weeks of summer. I have absolutely no idea how they will turn out. Will things get better? Worse? Stay the same? Of course I want them to get better. I want to be doing all the things I had hoped to do and seeing all the people I had hoped to see. Either way, I am learning to take things one day at time. I have made some good decisions and also bad decisions in times of hurt. I have looked in the wrong places for comfort and attention but later seen how the things you need can be right in front of you. Despite everything, I am going to rejoice and give thanks in all circumstances, because when I am weak... I am strong.